SPRINGFIELD -- The long-running (27 seasons on FOX!) television show “The Simpsons” has a history of poking fun at the convenience-store industry. And a recent episode took unique aim at one of our favorite tropes: the next-generation c-store.
In this case, the local convenience store—the Kwik-E-Mart—has burned to the ground, and second-generation co-owner Jamshed/Jay (nephew of long-suffering proprietor Apu Nahasapeemapetilon) has rebuilt it, or rather "bitch-slapped your Kwik-E-Mart into the 21st century."
The new store is a thinly veiled swipe at the recently bankrupt Fresh & Easy chain, which closed all its stores late last year. Among the fresh products noted on signage are:
- Lettuce bathed hourly
- Swiss army cheese
- Cruelty-free carrots
- Free-range chick peas
Here are a few choice exchanges about the store, its products and, perhaps most scathingly, its customers from the episode aired in January:
Apu (upon first seeing the new store and branding): Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
Jay: Check it out, Uncle A. I made this place healthy. I added softer lighting. We're even getting a better class of robber.
Debonair robber: I'm afraid I must relieve you of your spare cash and a nice bottle of gin.
Apu: Okay, those guys are cool, but still, Jamshed—I-I'm-I'm sorry, Jay—I know my customers. All they want is something they can eat while driving.
Homer Simpson: I'd like a heat lamp dog, please. Somewhere between two and six blisters.
Jay: I'm sorry, we don't serve those anymore. They're a heart attack shaped like a penis.
Homer: Why, you, millennial ...
Jay: Easy, brah. Check out our olive bar.
Homer: Mmm!
Jay: Ha, see, he doesn't care what he eats. He just eats things in that location.
Carl (at Moe's Tavern): We gotta help Apu get his store back.
Moe: Homer, why don't you ask [Bart] to pull a prank to help Apu turn his nice, new store here back into a rat hole? ...
Lenny: Apu's always been there for us.
Carl: Yeah, except for that hurricane when he jacked up the prices.
Apu: Okay, so I got a little gouge-y, but I-I don't hold the looting against you guys.
Homer (scoffs): Some looting. I got there late, and all that was left was a bag of ice, and they played the clip on CNN for a week.
Apu: But I am one of you now. I sponsor your Little League teams, and I sell you Christmas gifts at 9 a.m. on Christmas morning.
Homer: Yeah, that Hello Kitty cellphone cover really saved my ass with Marge.
Bart: My return to prankdom is elegant in its simplicity. All we do is cut the power in the store for 30 seconds. And no preservatives in the food, so everything will immediately go bad. ...
(Bart cuts the power. Shoppers murmur curiously. Vegetables and fruit shrivels. Flies buzz.)
Shopper 1 (gasping and moaning): Ah! Save us, chemicals! At least the mushrooms are okay.
Shopper 2: That is a wheel of brie! (screams, runs out of store)
Jay: Come on, this is the cleanest place in town, and you know it.
Apu: Another failed millennial. Who is a cliché now?
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